2012 Why do I walk with Desteni?
What made me listen to Desteni was of course first of all the message, but also the bluntness, directness and rawness with which it was delivered – nothing veiled with “beautiful” paraphrases, but the UNDENIABLE reality as it is. And the cardinal point was that Desteni actually provided me with practical common sense solutions to both the internal fuckedness and it’s external counterpart and reflection as this whole world. Desteni provided me with tools with which I could face myself instead of suppressing what I had become with meditation and “light” and “love”. I had finally access to tools that enabled me to investigate myself and stop myself from existing as a clone of my parents and a slave to my programming. Tools with which I could release myself from the bondage and chains of my past and this conditioned automatisms and transcend all mental creations to become actually self-willed and self-directive. It wasn’t about “personal growth” in the normal sense, “evolving” or adding even more to the fuckedness but rather devolving, peeling off and deprogramming.
In late 2007 I had since a year been caught up in spirituality and was at this point quite frustrated with that nothing was actually changing. The “lingo” within the spiritual community was always covered in the sweetest honey and all that was required to be accepted within the spiritual community was to regurgitate a bunch of empty paraphrases – “namaste dear brother of light” – and if you brought in any “negativity” – such as talking about war, rape, starvation – you would be ostracized by the community. This seemed very “off” to me from the very beginning, but I was far too addicted to the positive feelings I “gained” from my participation with spirituality and new age to put down my foot and say “enough!” so to speak. So I continued to bury my head in the sand until Desteni swept the comfy rug from under my feet with words that I just couldn’t possibly deny or resist. Finding Desteni thus saved me from digging my head deeper into this spiritual mind fuck and pretty quickly I started to see what I was participating in – namely that I was desperately trying to flee from myself and my self responsibility by creating a spiritual universe where I could justify everything with there being some “higher purpose” for it all – completely disregarding myself as a creator through my acceptances and allowances and disregarding the one and only thing that allowed me to live in “bliss” and “happiness” – MONEY.
Within the raw and unfiltered uncovering of reality as it really is I realized that Desteni wasn’t here to make me feel happy and blissful or good about myself – they weren’t aiming to please me or tell me what I wanted to hear – which furthermore made me realize the absolute credibility of Desteni.
Light, love and bliss was certainly the path of least resistance, but at what cost? If I would have stayed within spirituality I would have continued to justify the abuse with “karma” and “purpose” and I would have continued to pump money into the spiritual industry without ever question myself or the state of this world. As destonians we refrain from sugar coating things, we are brutally and head-on exposing the layers of lies that we have deliberately accepted and allowed both collectively as humanity and individually as the “natural state”. With Self-Honesty and Self-Forgiveness I have been able to investigate specifically how I have created the personality which I used to believe was ‘who I am’ and believed was ‘set in stone’, and deprogram myself from that which hinders and limits me from being Here within and as the physical, all that which separates me from the physical, all that which hinders me to stand up and do what is best for all.
Since walking with Desteni for almost 4 years and having applied the tools I have for instance been able to stop Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, alcohol- and pornography addiction – and push myself beyond my perceived limits just to realize that they’re not real. And I continue to dis-cover who I really am as Life and re-write myself and push myself to walk myself into a trustworthy human being that honors Life.
The validity and the proof of the effectiveness of the tools is right here, shared and researched within thousands of blogs and vlogs by Destonians - and for me the proof is within how I personally have changed and been able to effectively push through perceived limitations of the mind. But by all means prove it to yourself – don’t take my word for it. Self honesty and self-forgiveness will cost you zero cents and is the greatest gift you can ever give yourself.
Here you find the tools and the solution to the internal as well as the external fuckedness:
www.desteni.org
www.equalmoney.org
2011 painting is physical
I have finally started to paint again after a long time of shilly-shallying and I’m enjoying it quite a lot. I have basically not touched the paint brushes for about one and a half year now. The last time I painted I was within the SRA course in the process of dissecting and investigating the starting point of me painting and how I had come to form the persona as “the artist” and all the definitions I had attached to that whole persona, which affected the whole of me. Instead of painting or drawing as an unconditional physical self-expression in the moment I was trying hard to fit into the idea I had in my mind of how an artist is supposed to be. And when I couldn’t reach the expectations I had set-up for myself to fulfill the definition/idea of “artist”, through participating in comparison with other artists, I went into depression. And this was also part of the idea of how an artist should be – namely self-judgmental and never satisfied with his work, always striving to exceed himself – and if I wasn’t participating in that I wasn’t “a real artist”. And the depression validated the point of “I need to try harder” and so I was in a seemingly never ending cycle.
During my whole upbringing I was surrounded by art, as my grandfather was an artist. Seeing him getting appraisal and admiration in exhibitions and magazines was always very exciting and I used this as a point to validate my own ego with by bragging about my grandfather in school. The first time I remember being really fascinated by art was at an exhibition with monumental paintings when I was about 7 years old. I was completely captivated and amazed by the colors, forms and compositions and sat for hours and just stared. It was here I decided to become an artist myself and I wanted to achieve what I saw in this exhibition. I wanted to achieve the same “greatness” and perfection. When I was about 8 or 9 my elder brother started taking painting lessons and had an exhibition in a hair salon and I remember being quite jealous of him getting all the attention and appreciation. This jealousy possessed me to the point where I actually painted on one of his paintings, to sabotage for my brother. At home we were always encouraged to paint and draw, and the point of comparing my paintings and drawings with his and within that judging myself as less than was quite prominent.
It was after high school that I seriously began painting. I was fed up with school and I did not want to have anything to do with society, so I basically isolated myself from the world in my parent’s garage and started to paint daily. I thought that art as a way out of the system – a way to free myself from education, career, society, norms – I even saw myself above of all that and started to judge people who wasn’t artists, started to see myself as above and “more free” than everyone else. I was reading a lot of artist biographies and started to identify myself with the artists, especially the ones who were the most “misunderstood”, the most miserable – the outsiders and the misfits – and I justified my fear of the society and my self-isolation through these artists. And I saw these artists as geniuses whom I worshiped with great reverence. I began believing that I as an artist was god-sent to “enlighten” humanity and started to form this “dark”, “deep”, “mystical” persona that wasn’t concerned with “worldly matters”. I began living ascetically and even starved myself before painting, as I believed that suffering was an essential part of being a great artist. The geniuses I worshiped I was becoming more and more jealous of as I was in constant comparison with them. I was never satisfied with my work and always chased “the perfect painting”. Sometimes I wanted to quit, but I believed that my grandfather had passed on an important “legacy” to me and that it was my “duty” to maintain the “gift” I had inherited.
At 25 I sold my first painting and saw the money as “validation” and proof of my “worth” as an artist and myself. I got the opportunity to exhibit my art in a busy downtown restaurant and sold more and more paintings. After the “highs” of feeling “accomplished” I went downhill pretty fast and shifted between highs and lows constantly, either loathing my art and myself or loving it/myself. When I wasn’t able to “progress” I sunk in to a state of depression and drank a lot of alcohol.
I became more and more spiteful in my expression and my anger and frustration with myself, which I blamed on “the world”, “the society” and “the system”, was quite overwhelming. I wanted to say “fuck you” with my art and started to embrace the nonsensical. My art transformed from something “esoterical” and “spiritual” to nonsense – yet another polarity – from “higher purpose” to “pointlessness”. I still perceived myself to be “free”, “independent”, “special”, “otherworldly” though and believed that “I can do whatever I want to because I’m an artist”.
After thoroughly and specifically taking this construct apart I no longer had the same urge or desire to paint and I made it quite secondary as there are obviously more relevant points at hand within this reality. Although I’m now painting daily since a couple of days and make sure to stop all comparisons, self-judgments, separation and beliefs – and painting is certainly so much more a physical thing for me now than it was before I had a look at this construct – it’s more like dancing on the canvas with my hands and as such so much more enjoying. I don’t require to be “an artist” to paint – all I require is to be Here physically moving the brush as I breathe, within the realization that I am painting me as who I am in the moment.
2011 One Year of No Alcohol
In July this year it was exactly one year since I took the decision to ban alcohol from my life, despite the encouragement to continue drinking from parents, friends and media. That ethanol is one of the most lethal neurotoxins in the world, is highly addictive and makes one lose control and become completely unreliable was not the starting-point of my decision (although it made the decision easier to make) – but it was rather my relationship with alcohol throughout my life that made me question my alcohol intake. I realize that I don’t require alcohol in any way to be Here, it does not support me as the physical in any way what so ever. Quite the other way around, it damages my physical body extensively and further enslaves me to my mind.
When I was about 7 I tasted alcohol for the first time. It was on a journey in Europe with my parents where we drove between wine farms to taste and buy wines. I remember tasting wine in a damp and murky cellar, becoming very dizzy and falling asleep in the car for hours. My parents thought it was “cute” and still does to this day. Growing up I saw my parents getting drunk at parties or at home. I saw how tense and suppressed they could be and how all that changed with that magic potion they were served by the hosts. Although I didn’t like seeing my parents in that state, their expression didn’t seem real to me. I remember one night at a party where me and my friend set fire to a large plastic flower urn right in front of our parents. They just laughed and weren’t the least concerned with this apparent danger.
At dinners at home from about age 10 I was always encourage to have a small glass of wine with the excuse “it’s good for your blood!”. I started drinking more and more wine at home, and when I was about 15 it wasn’t uncommon that I shared 2 bottles of wine with my parents. I started to like the feeling of dozing away, and all the anxieties relating to school or fear of what to do with myself in the future just disappeared for a moment. My main starting point of drinking alcohol was to be able to express myself in ways I wouldn’t dare expressing myself in when ‘sober’ and to get rid of the anxiety and uncomfortability I experienced in social contexts. A huge point was also to get sex – to dare and approach girls. I used to be extremely sociable and talkative when I was intoxicated. It was at the time the only way I knew how to express myself – alcohol was the only tool I had to overcome my fears and social anxiety.
At 15 I also had my first ‘drunk-out-of-my-mind’ experience at a party for my high school class. The trigger point was the usual social anxiety and fear of expressing myself. From fearful and shy I became the exact opposite – a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde experience – or maybe I should say Dr. Jackal and Mr. Hide lol. At this specific party I became drunk only an hour in when everyone else was quite sober. It was actually a party that was supposed to be more ‘tidy’ and well-behaved, since some parents attended it. That’s another point – most of us are taught to drink by our parents, and although when they catch their children drunk they reprimand them. Anyway – I remember stealing alcohol from my friends at this party and my back-chat even before the party started was “I have to get drunk – I can’t bare going through this without being drunk”. So, one hour in I was interrupting the toastmaster, standing on chairs loudly expressing my disgust over events like these and finally pretending that I was a moose with two bear bottles on my head whilst making moose-sounds and chasing some girl that was frightened of me. Jesus fucking Christ. When Monday arrived I was quite nervous of going back to school, but while walking through the corridors people cheered me like I was ‘the hero of the day’ – which I took as something positive and created feelings of appreciation and pride in relation to. What a fuck up.
Drinking continued and escalated to a point where I didn’t dare to express myself without alcohol in my body. Meeting people became harder and harder and I “had to” consume alcohol before meeting or even calling someone on the phone. Eventually my body said NO MORE and my stomach got quite fucked up. I could hardly eat solid food for over a year and was spending most of my time in bed in an almost catatonic state – eventually I sought medical “help” and was prescribed other drugs which I became addicted to as well, that’s a different story though.
Later in life I created a lot of excuses/justifications to continue the drinking and thus covering up the original starting-point – which was fear and anxiety. One of these excuses was seeing wine, beer and whisky as something “sophisticated”. I created/formed a whole personality/identity around my drinking – “the connoisseur” – and used words like “tradition”, “culture”, “sophistication”, “interest” and “hobby” to justify addiction and abuse. I collected and drank “fine” beers and whisky’s for many years but when I started to get to the bottom of why I started drinking in the first place and why I was still drinking I realized that it was all bullshit. Another excuse I used was to drink alcohol to be able to paint ‘something cool’ – which was encouraged by my family who often said “have one more glass of wine so that you may paint something nice tonight” – jeez.
When I mention to people that I don’t drink alcohol anymore and that it is a decision based in the principle of what is Best for All they often react to the word principle – simply because they believe they would restrict and compromise themselves within following a principle – and that they somehow “loose” their “free will” within it – that it has to be within one’s own “choice” to make such a decision. What they fail to see is the so called “free will” is programmed and conditioned by media/school/family. Where was my “free will” when I was pumped with propaganda from the alcohol industry through media as a child? Where was my “free will” when I was exposed to the normalization of the use of alcohol in TV-shows and movies? Where was my “free will” when I saw my parents getting drunk every weekend? Obviously you see that the whole “free will”-argument is quite invalid.
I used to equate alcohol/being drunk with “Life”/being alive, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. It rather adds to the separation from the physical and reinforces the illusion that is the mind consciousness system and is used as a way to “cope” with oneself in the current monetary system where stress and fear of survival governs one’s life.
Giving up alcohol and partying is NOT giving up on Life, quite the other way around. That “sober” is seen as a special state in polarity to being drunk and the fact that one in our society is questioned and often mocked when one is taking the decision to stop alcohol should raise some red flags. The idea that you need an external “lubricant” to be able to express yourself in ways you aren’t daring to express yourself in while “sober” should also raise some red flags.
The bullshit science reports that pop up now and then proclaiming that alcohol has great health benefits and is “good for your heart” are completely disregarding that alcohol-related injury is the number one cause of death in the 15 to 30 years old age group; completely disregarding that alcohol is a well-established risk factor for numerous cancers; completely disregarding the vast amount of violent acts caused by intoxicated people; completely disregarding that while preventing certain types of heart disease, alcohol has been clearly linked to heart rhythm problems and cardiomyopathy leading to congestive heart failure (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9799954); completely disregarding the fact that most heart-diseases are linked to the life-style in the current system.
Let’s remove stress from life with Equal Money System: http://equalmoney.org
Dare to investigate yourself and learn how to stop any addiction or fear with the tools of Self-Honesty, Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction. Walk yourself into a trustworthy and responsible being that Honors All Life Unconditionally: http://www.desteni.co.za
Here’s some further quotes and reading on how alcohol damages your body and brain:
http://alcalc.oxfordjournals.org/content/21/4/325.short
“Alcohol is a neurotoxin associated with significant morbidity and mortality…it may raise blood pressure, damage the myocardium, precipitate arrhythmias and damage the developing fetal heart” (Sceepers, B.C. “Alcohol and the Brain.” British Journal of Hospital Medicine, 1997; 57: 543-51).
“It is well recognized that alcohol increases the risk of injury” (Guohua, L. “Alcohol and injury severity. Journal of Trauma 1997; 42:562-69).
“Alcohol can lead to potentially hazardous hypoglycemia.” (Meeking, D.R. “Alcohol ingestions and glycemic control. Diabetic Medicine 1997; 14:279-83).
“…alcohol related problems include liver disease, dementia, confusion, peripheral neuropathy, insomnia, seizure disorders, poor nutrition, incontinence, diarrhea, myopathy, inadequate self care, macroaocytosis, depression, fractures, and adverse reactions to medications” (Fink, A. “Alcohol related problems in older persons” Archives of Internal Medicine 1997; 157:242-3).
“Alcohol has consistently been related to risks of sqaumous cell cancer…” (Thomas, D.B.
“Alcohol as a cause of cancer. Environmental Health Perspectives 1995; 103:153-60).
“The influence of alcohol on sexual behavior is part of popular knowledge” (Donovan, C. “A review of the literature examining the relationship between alcohol use and HIV related sexual risk-taking in young people.” Addiction 1997; 90:319-28).
2011 The Ultimate Proof that Psychiatry is Flawed
Several Swedish news sources have lately reported about a 47 year old Swedish man that has held a number of women incarcerated in the basement of a deserted house where he raped and tortured them. The traditional forensic psychiatric examination that follows on crimes of this kind, explained that the man did not suffer from any serious mental disorder.
HUH!?
This is not the first time that the psychiatric “expertise” declares someone that is obviously mentally unstable and disturbed as mentally “sound” and “healthy”. When one is violating another and get a kick out of seeing another suffer, only considering one’s own personal pleasure, one is obviously disturbed and in serious need of proper rehabilitation. A well-functioning and responsible society based on the principles of equality, dignity and what is best for all would not accept this as ”normal” behavior, as a part of “human nature” and declare such behavior ”healthy”. What does this say this about our society? What does this say about psychiatry? Is this not the ultimate proof that psychiatry is a fake and flawed science?
Worth noting is that it is well known that the man in question has been a major consumer of pornography, in particular sadomasochistic pornography. This is yet another proof that pornography distorts men’s minds and leads to violent crime and abuse. Without pornography we would certainly see far fewer of these kinds of heinous deeds, and within an Equality based society where it is no longer neither possible or necessary to make profit, pornography would obviously disappear – as the majority involved in the creation of pornography, both producers and actors, are involved due to the need to make money.
Pornography is not a human right. Neither is it something you voluntarily participate in or consume, since you already as a small child were programmed by the sexism in media that is becoming rougher and rougher by time. The normalization of sadism and torture of women in pornography distorts young men and leads them to believe that this is what sex is all about. Combined with this conditioning, violence of this kind is an expression of inhibitions and repressed fantasies and emotions which germinate in an environment where sex is seen as something “forbidden” and “dirty”, and pornography further adds to the secret and hidden fantasies and thoughts that eventually “spill over” and completely possess the individual. Pornography is abuse in every single way, and there is absolutely no room for it in an Equal society.
With the help of Desteni I Process and applying the tools of self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-correction, one is able to investigate oneself how one has specifically formed each mind pattern and stop any form of addiction effectively to walk oneself into a self-responsible being that honors Life. I urge you to visit:
http://www.desteniiprocess.com
Watch my story of how masturbation from being an unconditional and innocent form of self-expression became an energetic addiction completely enslaving me:
2011 Will you Forgive yourself if 2012 proves to be just another Scam?
If nothing happens in 2012 – if the wars and the violence keep raging on, if the pillaging of earths resources continues, if the slavery continues, if the rape continues, if the human trafficking continues, if the vivisection of animals continue, if the starvation continues, if the anger, hate and blame continues – will you forgive yourself? If no Jesus Christ, no Ashtar Command, no Sirians, no Nibiru, no gods, deities or goddesses come to “save the day” – will you forgive yourself?
Will you forgive yourself and let go of the belief that something will magically allow you to escape self-responsibility? Will you forgive yourself and realize that waiting and hoping for something to magically and automatically rescue us a certain date is abdicating self-responsibility and denying the fact that this world is a direct reflection of who I am on the inside and that we’re responsible for everything that is manifested within this world? Will you forgive yourself and stop justifying the abuse in the world with that the physical is somehow just an illusion? Will you forgive yourself and let go of your personality as fears, desires, opinions, emotions and feelings that all stand in the way of doing what is actually physically and mathematically Best for All? Will you forgive yourself and stop entertaining yourself with doomsday scenarios, conspiracy theories and mythological beliefs based on what you have read and instead focus on what is relevant? Will you realize that your pursuit of ascension is pure egoism in only considering your personal experience? Within waiting and hoping it is most likely that our asses WILL end. There is no change without first changing ourselves individually and self-willed. We all have to face ourselves as this world as what we’ve accepted and allowed.
After December 21, 2012 If you are still Here – as a breathing, physical being that have the ability and power to stand up and direct yourself to actually do what Best for All – visit desteni.co.za and the equalmoney.org websites and walk yourself into a trustworthy being that isn’t directed by fluctuating energetic surges as emotions and feelings – a being that honors Life no matter what – a being that puts the interest of All Life before ego, personality and self-interest — commit yourself to Life and unite in bringing Heaven to Earth by physically manifesting it step by step, One by One. It is all in our hands.
Watch this – The Road-Map to Heaven on Earth: Destonians and Self Forgiveness
2011 Demonic Dreams as Self-Support
Prior to desteni dreams seemed like an incomprehensible mess to me and made no sense whatsoever. I also separated myself from my dreams within not realizing that each element within the dream was a specific representation of myself. I now find dreams extremely supportive within exposing/revealing to me where I still have an issue/what I haven’t yet let go of. I will share an example of a dream I had the other week and how I applied self-forgiveness after waking up.
I dreamed that my brother hit a disabled woman with his car and that he tried to escape his responsibility. I told him that it was unacceptable and that he had to face the consequences. A commotion broke out and people started to fight in the streets completely possessed. My mother jumped into a car and started fighting with a woman, pulling her hair and what not. I pulled them apart and told them that they were demon possessed. I looked into my mothers eyes and I saw her changing between a demon form and her human form and I told her to breathe. I started laughing and became possessed myself making gruesome faces. I felt strangely enough free within this demon expression, but also quite frightened and out of control. I snapped out and took a deep breath in and out, and I said to myself “I have to focus on myself, I can’t save my mother”. Then I was chased by demons as they recognized me as not being possessed and I tried to hide in abandoned houses.
So, what the dream told me is most prominently:
1. a fear of becoming possessed
2. a fear that my family members will become possessed
3. a fear of being exposed to and harmed by possessed beings
4. a desire to save my family
5. a desire to become possessed
Self Forgiveness
1. I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear becoming demon possessed
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see/realize that I can’t be demon possessed if I don’t allow it
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear facing myself as a demon
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that anything can possess me if I stick to breathing
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear losing myself
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I as physical here-ness can be lost
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my anger
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to lose myself in anger
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I deal with my anger if I suppress it
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to suppress my anger instead of forgiving myself
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see/realize that fear is a form of demon possession in itself
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become possessed with fear of demons
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear myself
2. I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear that my brother will become demon possessed
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear that my mother will become demon possessed
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear that my father will become demon possessed
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear losing my family members within them becoming demon possessed
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear standing alone
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to assume that my brother, mother and father have no self-control
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear facing my mother as a demon
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear facing my father as a demon
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear facing my brother as a demon
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my brothers anger
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my fathers anger
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my mothers anger
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear rinding the car when my brother is driving
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see/realize that my fear is related to memories of my family members road rages and thus lack physical substance
3. I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear getting in the way of a being possessed with anger/hate/rage
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear the anger of others
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be in a constant alert mode in fear of being hurt by possessed beings in public
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my neighbor and thus sustaining and maintaining the current system of fear and self-interest
4. I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to save my family
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can save my family
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear assisting my family within clear and practical common sense because of fear of being ridiculed
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear being ridiculed by my family
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to ridicule myself
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that my family is special and worth saving within wanting to save them
5. I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire being demon possessed
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be tempted by the demonic
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I would be free if I became a demon
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to abdicate my responsibility within the desire to become demon possessed
2011 Moving in with my parents
When I moved from my family to live on my own last summer I was very relieved and I thought that somehow I was leaving the self-definitions I had formed in relation to my family behind – that they would automatically and magically disappear just because I distanced myself from my family. But obviously that is not the case, rather the other way around that all unresolved issues/points within just accumulated and compounded because I suppressed them. And now I’m faced with having to move back with my parents because the apartment I’m currently living in is too expensive. In relation to this I’ve had quite a few reactions and resistance and experienced a few anger possessions. I really have to watch myself when it comes to these anger possessions because they’re really massive and strike lightning fast, and realize that when I’m exerting anger onto my parents and my brother I am actually using blame to avoid taking self-responsibility for what I experience within myself. Because I know that the anger I experience is because of points within myself due to self-suppressions and self-definitions in relation to my family. So it will be cool to face these points head on now, instead of sitting in an apartment and believing that I’m “free from my family”. And it’s quite cool that it coincides with the extended mind construct phase of the SRA course within the Desteni ‘I’ Process where we’re currently walking mind constructs in relation to our closest relationships and in my case each family member.
An upside to moving back is that I will have a huge painting studio – lol – I realize that I’m trying to give myself something to look forward to.
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to believe that I require something to look forward to to be able to live
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to go into an energetic low if I haven’t got anything to look forward to
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to go into an energetic high if I have something to look forward to
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to believe that life isn’t worth living if I haven’t got anything to look forward to
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to project myself in the future instead of being here and directing myself within and as the physical reality within each and every breath
Having completed my first Mind Construct and walking through time lines of specific memories I realize just what an amazingly assisting tool it is because it allows me to see how I’ve have formed who I believe I am as personality and self-definitions in detail and specificity – and it’s definitely an essential tool to get to know myself, to release all forms of self-limitations and memories of past experiences that I have allowed myself to define myself by which have formed the personality I believe is ‘who I am’, to change myself and to re-align myself with the Physical Reality Here and with the principle of Equality and what is Best for All.
2011 Starting to paint again
I haven’t been painting since last summer, when I moved to my apartment to live on my own. Last summer within the SRA course I dissected and took a close look at who I was in relation to art and how I had come to define myself as an artist, and since deconstructing the whole artist persona the urge to paint hasn’t been as great and it hasn’t been a priority. The starting point to paint was either to release frustration and anger or to prove something to myself or others by competing with myself to always “exceed” my previous work, and painting was the only thing I thought validated my existence. But lately I have been wanting to paint and draw just for the sheer fun of it as self-expression – like dancing or singing which I have enjoyed exploring lately – without any ideas, definitions, judgments, memories, comparison or competition tied to it and if something pops up deal with it right away — but I tell myself that I haven’t got time for it. This is not true, I’ve got a lot of time to designate to this every week and it would be cool to test reactions while painting and see what has changed since I last painted. So I will designate at least 4 hours a week for painting. The reason for me avoiding painting is because since I stopped painting I have judged painting as “useless” and I have also some fear that I will go back to the same patterns. Sure, it isn’t priority within the current situation of the world, but there is no point to judge it or to suppress myself because of fear that I might end up in the same patterns – I have got all the tools to support myself and I am aware of all the flag points. Alright, out with the brushes and explore.
2011 Oh no, I’m exposed!
So, today I got a mail from my father where he basically explained that he had found my blog (this blog) and that he was kinda upset and saddened by what he read. My initial reaction was “FUCK! I am Exposed!” lol – but I stopped myself and took his words into consideration and read them as if I would have written them and answered him in clarity as an equal and suggested that he shouldn’t take what I write personally. On this blog I have been exposing secret thoughts I have held in relation to my family and I have been fearing that it would be found by my family, so cool that it now happened so that I can face my fears head on. Yes, there have been many nasty thoughts and hidden shit exposed, and it’s primarily to expose it to myself and write myself out so that I can see “who I am” as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become. It’s not about “confession” to get a clean conscience so that I can repeat the same shit over and over again.
I also explained to him that what I wrote was what I was experiencing in the specific moments and the reactions, fears, emotional patterns and so on was not rational and did not have anything to do with reality and substance, but that it is esential for me to “record” exactly every step of what I experience to be able to effectively stop the patterns and change myself within the principle of what is best for all. And also that I am aware of that I am the source of everything I experience, so it’s not about blame or anything like that – quite the contrary – it’s about learning from my words “who I am” as what I have allowed and accepted myself to become to be able to apply myself within self-directiveness to change myself according to what is best for all. So, cool if he gets a better understanding of my process and don’t have to guess and go into assumptions and create things that is not here. It’s actually quite a relief that he found my blog, like a burden being lifted, so let’s see how our communication will develop from here on.
I first wanted to delete or make my blog private, but fuck no, I stopped myself from giving in to that desire. No more special relationships. I make my father Equal as me, and I will not accept and allow myself to hinder and limit myself according to self-definitions, memories or fears. There is nothing to fear within writing myself out unconditionally. Only the Ego fears Self-Honesty. So, I’m not making a big deal out of this, it was eventually going to be faced and I am Here and I direct myself with and as self-honest self-forgiveness and breathing.
Tomorrow my studies in web design will begin and I’m quite excited aobut it as I skim through the material. It will be like learning a completely new language and I think it will be quite assisting to me with regards to developing self-discipline and structure. It’s certainly not something preprogrammed Niklas would engage in lol
That’s all for now
PS.
I suggest to read the following blog post by Cameron:
Why Working on Oneself is Important – through Vlogging and Blogging
