Beauty system out

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to everytime I look at myself in the mirror I judge myself as either ugly or good looking

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become happy, excited and satisfied those times I judge myself as good looking

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become sad, depressed those times I judge myself as ugly

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as ugly

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself according to my appearance

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear that others will judge me as ugly

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire to be good looking

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compare my looks with others

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define others as either ugly or good looking

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to exist within and as the beauty polarity system of ugly and good looking

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe in pictures

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to exist as a picture

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become obsessed with my looks

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become a slave to the beauty system

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted the beauty system to control and direct me

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to support and fuel the beauty system thru the use of skin care products

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become disgusted with myself when my skin is fat and shiny

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become disgusted with myself when my skin has alot of acne

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myslef as disgusting according to the norms/standards of beauty

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be enslaved and directed by norms/standards

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to care about what the norm/standard of our culture says

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as disgusting

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as unattractive

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear that others will define me as disgusting or unattractive

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire to be attractive

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire to be attractive so that I attract women

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to attract women

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to attract women because of the belief that that is what a mans purpose is

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as a man

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to limit myself when I feal unattractive and disgusting

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to limit myself

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to isolate myself, stay at home, not showing myself amongst others when I feel disgusting and unattractive

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience shame because of the way I look

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as ugly because of my white/pale skin

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define sunburnt and brown skin as beautiful

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to have sunburnt skin

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become careless when in sharp sunlight and often burn my skin because I desire to be brown

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define spotless, smooth, matt skin as beautiful and desirable

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to care what others may think about or how they value my appearance

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define my body as ugly, disgusting and unattractive

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as ugly because I am not muscular compared to other men

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as ugly because I’m skinny

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that a male body should be muscular and well built

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire a well built and muscular body

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become disgusted at the sight of my naked body

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear nakedness of myself

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define my body as shapeless

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience shame for my body

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear to display my naked body

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to belive that nakedness is something wrong or dirty

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear showing myself without a shirt on in public

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear that others will judge my body as ugly

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that others are laughing behind my back when they see my body

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compare my body with others

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to wish that I had another body and in that I forgive myself that I have acceptet and allowed myself to believe that my life would have been much better if I would have a body which I define as beautiful

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hide as much of my body as possible with cloths because of my shame of my body

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to limit my body movement because of my shame of my appearance and my body

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to copy the beauty system of my father

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to copy my fathers addiction to compare and value and judge others because ot their looks

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to copy my fathers fear of nakedness

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to copy the beauty system of my mother

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to copy my mothers disgust with unclean skin
Til here no further!
ALL SYSTEMS OUT!
LIFE IN!
CLEAR!

principled living

What are my goals with process?

My main goal is to stop me as a consciousness system and break the cycle for once and for all

To once again become aware of who I am as life

To once again become one with my sound expression as the living word

To birth my inner, pure, inocent child

To from a singularity become WHOLE

To find back to simplicity as silence as awareness as breath

To find my specific placement in the world, where I most effectivly can support all life equally

To transform myself from consciousness to awareness

To stand as one and equal with everything in existance

To stand free from knowledge and information

 

What are my principles to support myself in reaching these goals?

To no longer act in opposition of my words

To unconditionally support that which supports all life as one and equal

To no longer support and fuel that which doens’t take all life in consideration as one and equal

To no longer support and participate in that which fuels self dishonesty

To not accept anything less than who I really am in every moment of every breath in self honesty here

To deprogram myself with self honest self forgiveness until I’m done – amalgamated with life – whole – equal and one

To not give my power away to any system

To not limit myself in any way whatsoever

To apply common sense in every moment
I am determination
I am common sense
I am simplicity
I am awareness as breath as life as moment
I am clarity
I am silence
I am one and equal with all

spam

Lol, I received a spam today with the topic “money is our god”. Never expected to see such truth in a spam. In Terresting. The message was the usual “A Great Canadian*Pharmacy is here at your_Fingertips!!!!! No_Doctor_Needed!” though.

I allowed myself to get irritated on my family today. On almost everything they do, because almost everything they do and say is systematic. Everything seems hollow, masked, self defined, predictable, bullshit. But I still hang on to them, the family and the beings within it, like it is something precious and special. Getting frustrated because I still want to change or “save” my family. My father read some desteni texts I’ve printed the other day, and he said it was awesome, that that he was happy that there are young people willing to change – but that he was too old to do anything. Well, cool that he didnt react on it. But what is the use of seeing without applying? Useless ofcourse. But I cant do anything about that, it’s up to him as it is up to everyone. But it’s sad really, in the core of every being there is a pure and innocent child – suppressed under layers and layers and layers of self definitions. The last month has been kind of a limbo existance experience, just waiting to go to SA. Having to listen to all the bullshit from two or three almost fully systematic beings. Fuck, now I am more worried about coming back than to go to SA. I really don’t want to get stuck in this prison again – but that’s also up to me. I was the one imprisoning myself really. Because of lack of self-trust, believed dependency, fear of change, fear of loss, fear of what my family will experience if I leave it behind and all that shit. But it’s no use thinking about that now. The last month I have focused on grounding myself – just breathing and forgiving myself in the moment, spending alot of time in nature. And I have not smiled or laughed when my family have expected me to – just to please or confirm them – which has made them kinda worried lol. Ok, SA in 10 days – very cool.

a dream

I dreamt about about waking up at the farm and leila was pissed of at me for not shutting the door to the toilet. Then I was in a car with bernard and some others, I shared the backseat with a man that was bald and had a pony tail at the same time.

Bernard was driving the car and it was like he could see right thru me. He asked me a bunch of questions which I cant remember and he pointed out that i was dishonest after every answer. And this being transparent to him scared the shit out of me. The strange thing was noone looked exactly the way they do, it was like actors looking almost like them playing them.

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to feel inferior to Bernard

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from Bernard because i think he is more insightful than me

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see that it’s not about “insight” but rather seeing in clarity the common sense that is already HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being in a master/pupil-relationship

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to believe that Bernard is superior to me

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see that I am one and equal with Bernard

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to fear being transparent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can hide anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hide my self-deceptions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in thoughts and feelings

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be the directive principle of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I don’t have to go thru the same process as everyone else because I’m “different” and “special”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose specialness over common sense for all as one as equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do the opposite of what I preach

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go against common sense in spite, just because I can

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go against life in spite

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go against the nature of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in “free will”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in bullshit even if I know what it will implicate

Fear as self-interest ends here
Existing as spitefulness ends here
SanctDEMONiousness ends here
Absolute transparency starts here
NO MORE

SF

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to believe that I am good

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to define myself as good

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to deny the evil
I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to deny and suppress the evil within me

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to deny the evil in others

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to believe in goodness

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to create evil as a polarity of good

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to exist within the polarity of good and evil

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to exist within a never-ending roller coast and balance game of good and evil

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to believe that my morality is better than others
I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to believe that morality even exist
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see that morality exist as opinions as illusion

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to react with and experience shame when I see old clips that I’ve made

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to react with and experience shame when I read old texts that I’ve made

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to believe that I’m not accepted
I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to want to be accepted

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to accept myself

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to compare myself to others

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to believe in the system of weak and strong

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to judge myself

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to fear other peoples judgements without realizing there has existed 1000s of different judgements on me – so how can anyone of them be real

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to fear other people

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to compromize and condition myself to fit in to family and relationships

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to fear how I will be received at the farm

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to fear the judgements of the people I judge to be superior/more insightful to/than me

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to judge myself as inferior and in that separating myself from other beings

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to judge and define myself as less insightful

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to walk arround as a living comparison

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to project myself in the future as worry

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to exist as constant worrying

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to define myself as nervous

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to assume that I will act in a certain way because of memories of previous social gatherings

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to exist as both a memory and a future projection instead of being present – HERE

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to have any expectations at all

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to manifest stomach pains and accidic stomach because of the worrying and nervousness

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to sell my self-honest expression, life, self-trust and self-responsibility for acceptance and fitting in

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to fear change
I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to fear loosing “my way of living”

I forgive myself that I have allowed fear to control and consume me

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to exist as self-interest

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be prepared to sacrifice my comfortability for all as one as equal

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to fear that I will loose myself

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to believe that I can loose myself

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to believe that there is anything to loose

I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to believe that I wont be able to walk this process

Til here no further
I am not fear
I am not judgement
I am not comparison
I am not good
I am not evil
I am not future
I am not past
I am here as breath as life as all as one as equal
I dare to change for the greater good of all
I am willing to sacrifice my persona, my ego, my self-defenitions and my comfortability for all as one as equal
I stop reactions
I stop the mind
I breathe

Everything is worthless

How can you go on existing like a walking opinion, a self image, a walking and talking value, a living lie – day in and day out? How much of what is really you is left? Or, better put, behind how thick layers of self definitions, fears and other systems are you?

When was the last time you questioned your reality? When was the last time you questioned yourself? When was the last time you expressed yourself freely, unconditionally, without any limits and outside of the automated frame of what is socialy accepted? When was the last time you were aware of your breath? To be aware of your breath in every moment is to be physically HERE, to be one and equal with life, to see clearly what is really REAL and what is NOT. And it is required if you don’t want to be trapped in your mind forever. Self honesty starts there, in the breath, when you SEE clearly what you have allowed and accepted to exist within you – what you exist AS. What if everything manifested in this physical existance is you? What if there is only one law that exist – the law of oneness and equality? What if all you have ever believed is a lie? What if the real reason why we are trapped in this illusion has a simple explanation? 

When I say that ”everything is worthless” people often react with saying that I’m being cynical and negative, instead of seeing the simple truth and common sense of the words I speak and not putting a value on them. Everything is worthless, meaning – nothing is of worth and value – everything is one and equal. Where’s the cynisism in that? Isn’t it more cynical to put a value in a SPECIAL being or thing and rate everything else as less worth? Fuck.

We exist as automated pre-defined robots as self interest, war, greed, famine, abuse, molestation, torture, rape, fear, regret, desire, polarities in total separation. And what has LOVE done to abolish the suffering? Love as it exist today is conditional – what you can love you can as easily HATE. And that which can change is NOT REAL! Common fucking sense! Love wont stand the test of time, you’ll see. And another thing, polarities works like this – if you for instance create love you create hate at the same time. And we never want to take responsibility for the shit, we always use blame or denial to abdicate self responsibility.

These points can be seen by all, and they stand all the testing. Now, have a look inside yourself and see with brutal self honesty what you exist as, which systems you allow and accept within yourself. Because, see, everything starts within self and it also STOPS within. Resist self forgiveness and self honesty or you will be trapped in time forever – NOTHING will change. And what have you got to fear? What can you loose if you are life? Does death even exist if you are life? Life is here, I am here, I am life. If you are a part of something you are it – also common sense. Why do you keep searching for a “point of life” when it’s right HERE? Life as pure life doesn’t need a reason or a purpose – only personality ego systems do. You are the solution.

We can’t continue to exist as separation from nature, from the animals, from the plants, from other human beings anymore, it is not sustainable. Now we are facing the consequences of our separation. And it’s high time to be self directive in every moment of every breath, and take ALL LIFE in consideration as you, to stop the bullshit, to amalgamate with all as one. Always test your stability, test yourself if you stand unconditional as life, don’t be too hard on yourself in the process – we are all in it – allONE – take it step by step and breathe.

”None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.”

alONE

I called my mother up today and said that I’m not coming to town, that I’m staying here, that I have alot to do here – painting and so on – and nothing to do in the city right now and that I enjoy being alone. I was supposed to go to town today because the family automatically gathers every friday because “that’s the way it is”. But the cool thing was my mother didn’t even bothered to argue, she saw that it was pointless. No, I like it better here, the town is anti life really. It may look like it supports life – all the concrete structures – but it really just supports the systems. It’s more real out here in the nature. And I don’t mind being alone, I never have. And it’s a good test really, now I can’t blame others for not standing up. My mother on the other hand is absolutely terryfied of being alone and gets very anxious, especially out here in the country side. She says she fears burglars and wackos, but most of all I know she fears herself.

So, now, fifth day of no masturbation – now it’s out there, so now the few people reading this blog will now if I fail, lol. It is as if the urge isn’t there after reading and applying the SF of Matti. Cool, now I’m going to make a song, see you.

park life

I just came home from a walk in the park. I walked slow and relaxed as always, sometimes standing still, looking at the birds and the trees. People look at you like you are a total weirdo even when walking relaxed, and they look like they think “what is wrong with you, why aren’t you like us!?”. It’s almost like they look afraid. I also filmed myself when talking to myself, and that’s ofcourse looked upon as even more crazy. And regardless of what you say you are regarded as deranged or mentally ill. On the other hand, if two opinion and value based personality ego system robots argue about absolutely NOTHING – that is regarded as absolutely sane and healthy. Anything that disturbs the automated flow of social rules is regarded as unhealthy and wrong. I also felt like dancing in the park today, but unfortunately I hindered myself and my self expression. What would happen if I would do it? Some people would judge me, I’m sure, mostly because they think they have to judge it – they don’t want to support anything that is “wrong” and risk being judged themselves. Some would probably laugh and find it cool that someone actually dares to break the socialy accepted rules. Now it’s up to me to dare to express myself freely.

Self honesty 16:04, february 7:th, 2009

I am listening to The Fall. They seem to be the official desteni band or something lol.

“A prickly line of sweat covers enthusiast’s forehead as the
Realization hits him that the same government him and his now
Dead neighbor voted for and backed and talked of on cream porches
Have tricked him into their war against the people who enthusiast
And dead hunter would have wished torture on. a servant of
Government walks in and arrests wireless fan in
Kitchen for murder of his neighbor
A new face in hell!
The dead cannot contradict
Sometimes the living cannot
A new face in hell!”

sings Mark E Smith. He sure knows how to express himself. Now my father came home, and he started dancing to the tune lol. But suddenly it became harder to write what I sat down to write. Too many voices. Ok, I breathe, I open up. In. Pause. Out. Pause. In. Now my mother close my door, the music disturbed her ofcourse. Why didn’t I close the door myself? Fear of being judged as sulky or depressed. I’m trying to find ways out of my self responsibility, “maybe something important is in the mail box!”. I can do that later, right now I have to write. No more fucking procrastination. Breathing and forcing self. What have I seen in myself lately in the experience of myself?

I will start to write about my brother and our specific relationship. The last years his presence has disturbed me, I have been put out of stability and become aggressive and frustrated – but I seldomly showed it, I kept it inside because of fear of confrontation and this want to preserve and maintain this image of me as “nice”, “friendly”, “calm” and “stable”. Well, this ofcourse means that my stability hasn’t been unconditional. I have been stable AS LONG AS my brother hasn’t been around. My stability has depended on outer factors.

In our specific relationship, since I was a kid, I have defined my brother as a big brother – one who protects me and one who I should learn from. And I have defined myself as a little brother – someone who needs protection and be taught. And I was always the silent and introvert in the family, I observed. I have always loaded verbal diarrhea. But when I really had things to say I was kind of shouted down and I decided early on to be shut up completely. So I became more and more silent and more and more nervous when I had to open my mouth. What is it that makes me angry and frustrated with my brother? His fixation with looks, his need to define himself as a man, his obsession with weight lifting, his immediate hate and judgement over things or beings that doesn’t fit in to his model. Some years ago I started hiding and isolate myself, only seeing my family when eating dinner. Eating as fast as I could all silent, then going to my room or my studio. Often “releasing” pressure with alcohol, as I’ve gone thru before. Often when coming to my studio kicking things and screaming out of frustration. Frustration for not standing up, for not expressing myself unconditionally. Getting this painful lump in the left side of my stomach, I feel it now when writing this even. Suppressed anger. Ding dong, the doorbell goes, my brother is here lol. Hiding the text file for a while, I don’t want him to see this. Allthough I want him to see that I’m doing something serious, not just sitting by the computer doing the lazy surfing. Yes, I want him to be proud over me. And I don’t want him to be able to say or think “Oh, but what are you doing to change? I don’t see you taking self responsibility”. Stop. Delete.

SF is harder than ever, I’m doing everything half assed, half the way, not allowing myself to go to the core – because of this fear of failing. And as I said to M, I realized that I’ve treated SF as another concept, instead of BECOMING self forgiveness. But yes, slowing down and breathing, taking one thought at a time – that’s the key. It can’t be simpler. It’s just about daring really. And what is there to fear? Well, the fear of giving up is quite potent.

I have throughout my life defined myself as an outsider, in all contexts – even in my family. And allthough having some stupid feelings of pride for it, I have desired or desire to be “accepted” in some few contexts. Like the desteni forum for instance, where I also there feel like some sort of outside observer, not fully involved. Separated. Feeling inferior. Believing that I’m not accepted there, that I’m looked down upon even. And this desire to be accepted has made me careful of making mistakes – fear of failing. What I also have done is defining myself as stupid, as confused (a fusion of cons), unfocused and not fully capable of understanding or seeing the whole picture. But mixed with this inferior feeling is the outsider personality that makes me go “to hell with them, I don’t need them”. Separation. I have also been sensitive of “setbacks”. When I for instance say something of common sense to a being I define as “smarter” or “intellectually superior” which confronts the things I say as it would be an opinion or intellectual thesis I withdraw, I crawls back into my shell, become silent. That is ofcourse lack of self-confidence. And then back to regret and frustration. Merry-go-round.

I deleted my laughing video because of what spamann wrote. She said something like “lol, you laughed because you decided to do a laughing video like all the others ofcourse”. That made me feel like a complete fake. And she was right, the starting point of that video was conformity, to be ”a part of the gang”. I had no interest whatsoever in investigating me as laughter. But it really became an investigation of my laughter, it revealed the fakeness in me, the will in me to “fit in”. And that is what laughter often is. This was a good writing session, revealing alot of bullshit. So let’s continue to walk, and let’s apply myself. Bye for now.